How Could I Ever Know?
by Sakura onto Hitomi
Summary: Why didn’t she know to jump out of the way? Why didn’t he protect her, when he swore to himself he would? He never even got the chance to tell her how he felt, how much he loved her. ONESHOT


~*~Yes, another one shot. This time to a "Broadway" song. I think it's good and it deals with an ending I'm not used to writing.~*~

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything but my story idea.

"blah"= talking

'blah' = thoughts

(blah) = me

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**_How Could I Ever Know_**

It wasn't fair. Why did she have to go? Everything was wonderful, life truly starting over now that the journey had ended. How could it all have gone so terribly wrong? They had decided to help out just one more village on the way back. Why didn't she know to jump out of the way? Why didn't he protect her, when he swore to himself he would? He never even got the chance to tell her how he felt, how much he loved her. 

_**How could I know I would have to leave you?_

_How could I know I would hurt you so?**_

Did she know how much of a mess she left him in? With each passing day, another piece of his heart died, joining her on the other side. His companions didn't know how to react. He wasn't acting himself and there was nothing they could do to fix things- unless they could change the past. No. No, that was impossible. 

All this time he walked beside her, he dare not speak what was in his heart for fear of her rejection. She had every right to refuse him, seeing as he wasn't exactly faithful. If she had accepted him, all that would have been over. Now, she would never know, never know what was deep in his heart. It was a passion that burned for her, for her gentle but firm touch. It was too late. Never again would he see her face nor be able to hear her sweet voice. 

_**You were the one I was born_

_To love**_

It just wasn't fair. He was the one that was supposed to have been hit, not her. Why did she push him out of the way? She told him why while dying in his arms. A look of horror was on his face as he cradled her limp body against him. He whispered her name over and over, trying to get her to respond. The woman, whose eyes could determine his entire being, gazed at him as a smile crossed her soft lips. Those same lips parted as she spoke in a raspy voice, "Gomen. I had to stop him. I couldn't stand to see you die." When he questioned her, demanding to know why, her smile grew a little as her eyes sparkled with emotion. "Didn't you know? I could have sworn you knew. I thought you knew I love you."

_**Oh, how could I ever know?_

_How could I ever know?**_

            Oh, how fate could be so cruel. To know the one you loved beyond anything loved you back when it was too late. What had he done to deserve such a cruel life- to live without her by his side? He had been unable to tell her those words for she had died soon after her confession. She had left this world not knowing her life had changed him. He had become better because of her, stronger in order to protect her. 

Had he been blind to the signs she sent his way? Had he just not seen what was right in front of him? They had worked well together, side by side in the heat of battle. Their fighting was like a dance, where she lacked he stepped up. He knew better than to do anything to out of hand, for she had this power over him, buried deep in his subconscious. Who was going to guide him now that she was gone? Whose voice would haunt his mind when she is away from him forever?

_**How can I say to go without me?_

_How, when I know you still need me so?**_

            She was there beside him, coming to him when he needed her. Even though their start was rocky, full of distrust, they eventually became close, friends even. Every moment he spent with, seeing the real woman behind the given role, the more in love with her he became. He didn't remember when it happened, but he was so desperately in love with her. There was no other besides her, but he had not the courage to speak his heart out loud, never for her ears to hear. 

            Every time he closed his eyes, her face appeared. Every curve of her body, the shape of her face, her voice, those eyes- all of these were engraved into his heart and mind. No matter what he did, he could not rid himself of her. He wasn't sure if he wanted to. She was in his dreams, in his arms using her last breath to speak the words he longed to hear. What was he supposed to do now?

_**How can I say not to dream about me?_

_How could I ever know?**_

            Why? Why did she have to tell him right before she had to leave forever? What was the purpose of telling him what was in her heart if she couldn't stay beside him? Was karma punishing him for something in a past life? Why did she have to suffer for his crimes?

            The night before the fight, she had gone with him to the river's edge, enjoying each other's company. That night, she had asked what he was going to do now that everything was over. He didn't know what to say, while she smiled and told him her dreams, her secret wishes she dared not say to anyone for fear of appearing weak. Was that her hint to him? Was she trying to tell him that night?

_**How could I ever know?**_

            She wanted a normal life, a family of her own. To be able to watch her children grow would bring her great joy. It was what she wanted now that everything was over. He didn't know what to tell her, how to respond. The only thing he said was that he wished her great happiness, nothing less than she deserved. She did not deserve to die.

            Before they rejoined the group, she handed him a piece of paper. He had thought nothing of it until after her death. That was his own fault. If only he had read it like she had wanted him to, maybe they would have had a future. He might have been able to save her. The note was simple, as if she knew it was her last night in this world. All it said was two words: forgive me.

_**Forgive me, can you forgive me?_

_And hold me in your heart?**_

            How could she ask that of him? Did she really know her time was coming to a close? If that was true, then he couldn't forgive her. Yet, deep in his heart, he knew he already did. The real question was if he could forgive himself. If he had been more aware, she wouldn't have had to dive in front of him, taking the hit. Why had she been so stupid? The world needed her. He needed her. How could he go on without her? She was his everything, his entire world. How can you live in a world that isn't whole?

            Even though she was gone, his heart still ached for her, loved her. Her spirit would remain in this world as long as he kept her in his heart, keeping her memories alive. Everywhere he turned gave him a memory, whether it was directly related to her or not. Life just wasn't right with her gone. How could you still love someone with all your being when they have left you, never to return in this lifetime?

_**And find some new way to love me_

_Now that we're apart?**_

            The sad thing was she was mad at him the morning of the battle. There he was, doing what she hated most. How typical. He tried to explain himself, but only made things worse. With a huff, she walked away when they came upon the village. He had a bad feeling about this place, telling him to get away, but she had already seen the demons, determined to stop their rampage. 

            As he held her to him after the hit, he never thought she would actually die in his arms. Never had he ever felt so helpless in his entire life. When her spirit had passed, he openly wept, bringing her lifeless body closer to his living one. The others finished the battle and came to find them too late. The other female wept in mourn of her friend while the male tried to comfort her. They were in pain as well, but it was nothing compared to what he was going through. His heart had died that day, never to recover. 

He had placed a kiss on her head before the old miko lit the fire in order to cremate her. It was his self appointed mission to take her home, to be with her family for all eternity. This is where he was now, walking to where they had met, where she would have wanted to be buried. She was truly gone.

_**How could I know I would never hold you?_

_Never again in this world?**_

            Tears threatened to fall from his eyes, but he forced them back, refusing them their exit. The destination was in view now. His journey was almost over, yet he wasn't sure if he was truly ready to let her go. Before going to the finish, he went off a bit to a clearing and sat there, taking the pot that held her ashes and placing it beside him. This was all that remained of her, besides his memories. 

            Shaking his head, he grabbed a fistful of grass and slammed his fist into the earth. "Why…why did you have to leave me like this? I never… You told me, but never gave me a chance to tell you. Were you afraid of my answer? How could I not have fallen in love with you? My heart, mind, body and soul belongs to you. Where does that leave me now that you are gone?!?"

_**But, oh_

_Sure as you breathe_

_I am there inside you**_

            A cool breeze brushed against him as he felt a small amount of weight on his shoulder. The soft, delicate touch was almost as if it were a human hand. He dared not turn around for fear of it being just a trick, but he reached up to touch that hand. A weird tingling feeling swept through him as he reached the area that the hand would lay. Though it wasn't tangibly there, he could tell it was, as if her spirit were still with him, begging him to let go. 

            How could he let go? He loved her so much it hurt. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, however long it would be. Why did she have to leave first? 

            That hand was still there, but in a reassuring kind of way, as if saying she wasn't really gone. Her body might be, but she would live on. He knew that. He would make sure she was not forgotten. In his heart, she would live on forever.

_**How_

_Could I ever know?**_

The hand disappeared as a smile crossed his lips. "Arigatou. I feel strong enough now to do what I have to do." With that, he got up and went to the end. Picking up a wooden shovel he was so used to using, he dug the hole deep into the ground. When that was completed, he took her urn and placed it in the middle of it, piling the dirt back on top. After placing a marker by her grave, he bowed his head to pay his respects. 

            A tear fell from his eye as he prayed. He opened his eyes and let the tears fall. "I'm sorry I never was able to tell you while you were alive. I love you, my beautiful Sango. As long as I live, I will always love you."

            A soft buddle of fur rubbed up against his leg, causing the monk to look down. "Gomen, Kirara. Both of us will make sure she lives on." Turning back to the grave, Miroku bowed his head once again. "Goodbye, Sango."

            Miroku stayed in the youkai exterminators' village one day before heading back to Kaede's village, Kirara following. The wind blew to his side, causing him to turn. Seeing nothing, he continued his walk. The sun shone down on him, walking with the cat youkai and his love's spirit. Together, they would live on until the day he passed over and joined her in the next life, where he swore he would not wait until it was too late. 

            'I'm sorry, Sango. Promise we shall spend the next life time together.'

            The breeze blew again, giving him his answer. Nodding, the monk continued to walk to wherever fate decided he needed to be. Inside, he promised himself to live for she had given up her own life so he could survive. He would not throw away her gift, honoring her sacrifice. Sango died proving her love for him. Miroku would live and spread her love to others around him. There was no way he would give up and die in vain, not when she left this world to save him. 

            In her memory, he would live on.

_**How could I ever know?**_

_._

_._

~*~Oh my… I never wrote a sad ending before! *blows nose* So sad!!! I can't believe I killed my favorite female character! Please review and tell me what you think. Just keep in mind this was a ONESHOT, as in no multiple chapters. Ja ne! (Don't kill me!!!)~*~ 


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